The United Kingdom of Comedy

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Saturday, 18 October 2014

Airports to start screening for signs of Ched Evans.

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As news breaks that convicted rapist Ched Evans has been released into the wild, airports, docks, and train stations are on high alert for any signs of the virus.

The latest outbreak of rapes caused by the footballer is believed to have started in south Wales but concerns are growing in Sheffield that the danger is on the way.

Some countries have already closed their borders to Evans to prevent any more cases, with the United States of America confirming he would be unable to get a visa as “we don’t take that type of football seriously over here, but we do take sexual violence seriously and we don’t want a soccer player taking away the limelight from our homegrown NFL talent like Ray Rice”.

Michel Remy from Medecins Sans Frontieres (Doctors Without Borders) was unequivocal in his condemnation of the outbreak: “There is no cure for rape. After it strikes once, it will strike again if not contained. Add that to the “LAD” culture around football and I wouldn’t put it past the entire of Sheffield to be waking up with a sore arse by next week.

“Ched Evans is already contaminated with rape so putting him in a dressing room full of testosterone-filled athletes with enough money to order a bottle of vodka with sparklers in a club followed by a room at a Travelodge is just asking for trouble.”

A record-breaking run of hometown show “The Full Monty” has been put on hold by organisers in Sheffield after concerns were raised that nudity in the city could trigger another epidemic.

While a website has been created downplaying the risks of being raped by Ched Evans, it is so full of half-truths, errors, and outright lies it is believed to be run by a member of UKIP.

How not to catch Rape:

  • Avoid direct contact with footballers as the virus is spread through contaminated Louis Vuitton wallets
  • Wear goggles to protect eyes from Sheffield United’s quality of football
  • Clothing and clinical waste should be incinerated if it has come within 500m of a Nando’s, fashionable nightclub, or inexpensive city centre hotel
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Monday, 13 October 2014

“Sober for October going well, will be back in November” reports Kim Jong-un

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Following weeks of missed engagements and social events, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has been forced to deny reports of a coup amid burgeoning media speculation he had been overthrown or killed.

“It’s hard to enjoy these things without a few lager shandies down me, I mean, have you heard the NK-pop charts recently? It’s always the same manufactured garbage they have performing plus a few thousand teenagers swirling flags. Yawn.

“So for there to be any chance of me completing my Sober for October challenge for Macmill-un Cancer Research I knew I’d have to skip them.”

Rumours of a change of leadership surfaced following the Dear Leader’s decision to execute a formerly trusted uncle - a decision many thought had turned opinion in the upper echelons of the armed forces against him, but Jong-un was quick to dispel such talk.

“Garbage! Everyone loved it when I killed Uncle Jang! We made a day of it, had a picnic, a few fireworks with the artillery, it was smashing.

“When I saw the media reports claiming that people were unhappy I ruined a good bit of caviar and an ounce of cocaine by laughing so hard it fell off the hooker’s back!”

The Supreme Leader’s appearance on state TV to put these rumours to rest will surely calm the concerns of many millions of civilians who had put aside their daily struggle to feed their families to instead pray for the billionaire despot.

Thaek Sung-il, a guard from gulag no.12 just outside Pyongyang, said “deaths in the camp have been through the roof the past couple of weeks as people downed tools to ask God for news on his son Kim Jong-un. That and our new policy of shooting people on sight for downing their tools has led to record high fatalities.”

Unfortunately Thaek Sung-il could not be reached for clarification on his comments and his family have reportedly been executed for “treasonous discussion of the well-being of the One and Only Honourable Leader with a rebel media publication.”
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In defence of Dapper Laughs

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Dapper Laughs is the Vine star-cum-TV sensation that has recently attracted the ire and delight of Twitter in equal measure.

As well as having the most talked about TV show in the world when the first episode of “On the Pull” aired, he also managed to incite plenty of threats of physical violence from disgusted onlookers - including some prominent comedians and feminists.


Janey Godley threatening physical violence, lovely.

Misogynist is the new buzzword that has been twisted out of all recognition to being used to attack men who like to sleep around. As we have stepped into a new age where people are derided for slut-shaming and women are finally being told that it’s fine to sleep around and being encouraged to do so if they wish (a laudable endeavour I’m sure Dapper Laughs would agree with), we’ve done a 180 and started criticizing men who do the same with “misogynist” now seeming to mean “male slut”.

This is not about the misogyny of treating women unfairly in the areas in which they are undoubtedly done so, this is about a character and TV show that is based solely around pulling attractive girls.

Commenting on a woman’s appearance is no judgement on any other part of them. I’m sure it must be appalling to feel you are judged by your looks rather than your talent in many situations (fortunately I'm neither attractive nor talented) but when it comes to finding someone to have casual sex with (something both men and women set out to do in their millions every week) I’m afraid that’s where the line is drawn - and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. One night stands are about having a good time with someone you are attracted to. For some of us that’s all we want and that’s who Dapper Laughs is aimed at. For the people who want relationships or to discuss fine art and culture with their sexual partners there are other dating programs for you, and that’s ok, that’s good! Different strokes for different folks.

When we have Mastermind only giving half points to women because they are ugly then you can complain about a TV show being misogynist but judging women on their looks on a show about pulling attractive women and having casual sex is far from misogynist, it’s just what it is and it shouldn’t have to make any apology for itself because it's a completely legitimate idea. Nor should the people who dislike it and disagree with it make any apology for doing so, but they shouldn’t ascribe a hatred for women where none exists.

You don’t need to find him funny, you might think his jokes are crass or old-hat or just plain unappealing but misogynist is an extremely offensive brush to tar someone with, although it’s thrown around with uncomfortable ease these days, especially for the crime of finding women attractive. And even more especially when you have the people hurtling these allegations threatening actual physical violence - a real and very obviously more problematic issue than Dapper Laughs' behaviour.

Grace Dent, in an article for the Independent (http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/tv/reviews/grace-dent-on-tv-dapper-laughs-is-unpleasant-sexism-dressed-up-as-banter-9771883.html), is quick to throw all men under the bus with Dapper Laughs. “But the fact is that all women have met Dapper in some form, or more accurately, they’ve met dozens of Dappers, hundreds and hundreds of Dappers in fact. Every time we leave the house in summer with bare legs and “invite” shouting. Or wait at traffic lights for a Transit van with a full front seat to pass. Or try and get our cars fixed. Or pass a group of men loitering outside a pub waiting for the comment or grunt indicating whether any of the gang have decided whether we are a potential wank-fantasy or, alternatively, a donkey none of them would penetrate. Dapper is everywhere.”

Emphasis mine. That’s right guys, every one of you that’s stood outside a pub (sorry, “loitered”, let's make it more sinister than standing), is deciding whether every woman that walks past is a wank-fantasy or a donkey. People making inappropriate comments while inebriated is far from a male-only problem anyway, but this hyperbolic over reaction and tarring of all men with the same brush, well, it could even be seen as sexist (I won’t throw misandry into the ring yet).

In a widely shared article for Chortle and The Huffington Post, Lee Kern starts with some self-congratulation while insulting those who find it funny: “the unenlightened, the confused, the intellectually frightened and the simpleton” he calls them. Obviously this Buddha of comedy doesn’t find it humorous because he is enlightened.

I have to congratulate him on the mental-leap of Greg Rutherford proportions when he says “you have basically helped create a rapists' almanac. Sure you haven't told people how to come equipped with rope or chloroform - but you have contributed to a prevalent predatory culture that reduces women to nothing more than a piece of cunt.”

Chatting up attractive women is now essentially rape? Ever seen a beautiful woman and wanted to sleep with her? You are a rapist who reduces women to nothing more than pieces of cunt, well according to Mr Kern. When Dapper Laughs goes up to those women and asks them for their number he might as well be holding a knife to their throat and ramming Rohypnol down their throat, apparently...

It also means you “Despise your mums. Despise your sisters”, despise every female ever it would seem. Again, wishing to engage in casual sex with attractive partners is equated to women hating misogyny, not the perfectly natural and reasonable behaviour that it is. One step forward, two steps back.

A more personal attack follows: “As for Dapper Laughs, he is devoid of aspiration. No imagination. No dreams. No vision. No passion.”
Personally, I imagine he wanted a national television program (dream) when he started making vines (imagination) and doing comedy (passion), and he has achieved it.

From making 6-second vines and working his dues as a comic to his own national TV program sounds like an aspirational dream to me. One that the thousands of people who are starting where Dapper Laughs started are currently trying to achieve. He gives hope and motivation to those people who get nothing but disdain from Lee Kern.

Much of his hatred on social media seems to come from fellow comics.

Daniel Sloss, an outspoken critic who has tweeted the articles I previously mentioned, thinking a fellow comedian, nay, human being, doesn’t know that Ali G is a Sacha Baron Cohen invention. Ridiculous. Not to mention entirely missing the joke Dapper Laughs was making that both Ali and himself are characters many would claim are involved with inspiring chav culture.

Many have accused these comedians of jealousy at Dapper Laughs success but I think it goes deeper than that. It’s arrogance as well - they believe they are better than him because they hold the moral high ground with their values.

Unfortunately their values don’t extend to letting women making their own choices about who they sleep with if Dapper Laughs On the Pull is considered a “rapists' almanac”.
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Thursday, 5 December 2013

Nelson Mandela is Dead

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Horrible news tonight as we hear that Nelson Mandela, “The Father of South Africa”, has died.
I don’t know who the father of Scotland is, but I bet the bastard doesn't pay child support.


It took 27 years to get Mandela out of prison despite massive worldwide support. Indeed much of Africa is still on hunger strike.


In 1990, while in jail, Mandela was awarded the Freedom of the City of Glasgow. He said “No thanks, I’m fine on Robben Island”.


He also won the Nobel Piece Prize. I guess 27 years in prison forces a man to learn to make a good sandwich.


Long Walk to Freedom is one of the most famous books ever written - but how good can the autobiography of a man in prison for 27 years be? “Mbeki got shanked in the showers again and Tbalo is still walking like John Wayne”.


As president of the ANC we have him to thank for such great programming as Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead.


His achievements are also commemorated across the world. There’s a bridge named after him in Johannesburg, a garden in Leeds, a statue in London, and a tower block in Only Fools and Horses.


And of course, thanks to people like him and Rosa Parks fighting against segregation, I am allowed to sit up the back of the bus and blast some GBX.


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Monday, 4 November 2013

That Was The Week That Was - 4/11/2013

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NEWS

The UK was this week hit by the worst storm since Halle Berry in X-Men, resulting in several deaths and leaving thousands without power. Although, to be fair, of the 220,000 homes without electricity, 215,000 of them were in Wales and never had it in the first place.

After Scotland squared up to #HurricaneBawbag a few years ago, I expected the English Twitter comedians to be out in force coming up with a hilarious name for this one - #ukstorm was the best they could do...
It was known in the media as the St. Jude’s storm. So now “terrible weather” can join paedophilia and the spread of HIV on Catholicism’s crime sheet.

Driving through a Scottish city I thought I saw damage it has caused: smashed windows, collapsed houses, damaged cars... But it turns out I was just in Dundee.

The storm actually barely touched us north of the border, so I was waiting on a statement from Alex Salmond taking credit for that and how storms will never affect an independent Scotland.

Al-Qaeda on the other hand probably did try to take credit for it. But Operation Allah’s Windy Wrath was not as successful as they hoped.

It eventually subsided after a few hours, much to the annoyance of the train companies who had to come up with new excuses for why they were running later.


As well as avoiding the weather, other good news for Scotland this week included being voted 3rd on the Lonely Planet’s top countries to visit next year.

Unfortunately for us, the list is sponsored by the United States Department of Finding Defenceless Countries With Large Oil Supplies. Previous winners Iraq and Afghanistan still use it on their tourism brochures though, so swings and roundabouts.


The music scene on Mercury must be absolutely dreadful as for the 22nd year in a row the prize winner has come from Earth. 

James Blake won it this year, with sales of his album increasing by 2,500% up to 2,500.
You’ll be sure to hear a lot from this year’s winner - if you happen to follow him on Twitter or know him in real life.


The Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW), who won the Nobel Peace Prize last month, have announced that Syria no longer has chemical weapons and has destroyed all their facilities for making them.

In unrelated news, President Assad is delighted to announce the purchase of Grangemouth petrochemical processing plant.


SPORT

The Daily Express has announced a petition to remove all Romanian immigrants from the UK. The campaign has the backing of Manchester City goalkeeper Joe Hart, who is desperate to get rid of Costel Pantilimon.

Poor Joe Hart was having such a rough week that for a while even Pat Fenlon was trending above him.

After “leaving” the Hibs job, Pat Fenlon couldn’t believe his luck when he went for an interview with the Irish FA and was offered the international manager’s position. Although he doesn’t understand why they keep calling him Martin.

No, it seems to be the actual Martin O’Neill who will be taking over the Ireland hotseat. They’ll be the second most Irish team he’s ever managed, and, with Aiden McGeady and James McCarthy in the team, he’ll be playing more Scotsmen than he ever did at Celtic.


Very sad news about Fernando Ricksen having Motor Neurone Disease. After Sandy Jardine getting cancer, every Rangers player that’s worn the number 2 shirt will be absolutely shitting themselves. 

A small positive is that it means the Rangers fans only need to applaud in the second minute again - I know from experience we have a very short attention span so if it had been a number 35 or something we’d never remember to do it.


Celtic are trying to play a Champion League qualifier in England next year as Parkhead will be in use for the Commonwealth games. Surely they’d feel much more at home over at Easter Road - another stadium with green seats, a shite atmosphere, and that’s barely ever full.


David Beckham will soon have his own football team in Miami. Since he already has a home in America from his time with LA Galaxy, he felt it would be good to own a club nearby. Although he was said to be absolutely furious when the MLS top brass assured him that it was not a “Mickey Mouse league”, as he’s all wanted to meet his hero.
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