The United Kingdom of Comedy

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Thursday, 5 December 2013

Nelson Mandela is Dead

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Horrible news tonight as we hear that Nelson Mandela, “The Father of South Africa”, has died.
I don’t know who the father of Scotland is, but I bet the bastard doesn't pay child support.


It took 27 years to get Mandela out of prison despite massive worldwide support. Indeed much of Africa is still on hunger strike.


In 1990, while in jail, Mandela was awarded the Freedom of the City of Glasgow. He said “No thanks, I’m fine on Robben Island”.


He also won the Nobel Piece Prize. I guess 27 years in prison forces a man to learn to make a good sandwich.


Long Walk to Freedom is one of the most famous books ever written - but how good can the autobiography of a man in prison for 27 years be? “Mbeki got shanked in the showers again and Tbalo is still walking like John Wayne”.


As president of the ANC we have him to thank for such great programming as Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead.


His achievements are also commemorated across the world. There’s a bridge named after him in Johannesburg, a garden in Leeds, a statue in London, and a tower block in Only Fools and Horses.


And of course, thanks to people like him and Rosa Parks fighting against segregation, I am allowed to sit up the back of the bus and blast some GBX.


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Monday, 4 November 2013

That Was The Week That Was - 4/11/2013

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NEWS

The UK was this week hit by the worst storm since Halle Berry in X-Men, resulting in several deaths and leaving thousands without power. Although, to be fair, of the 220,000 homes without electricity, 215,000 of them were in Wales and never had it in the first place.

After Scotland squared up to #HurricaneBawbag a few years ago, I expected the English Twitter comedians to be out in force coming up with a hilarious name for this one - #ukstorm was the best they could do...
It was known in the media as the St. Jude’s storm. So now “terrible weather” can join paedophilia and the spread of HIV on Catholicism’s crime sheet.

Driving through a Scottish city I thought I saw damage it has caused: smashed windows, collapsed houses, damaged cars... But it turns out I was just in Dundee.

The storm actually barely touched us north of the border, so I was waiting on a statement from Alex Salmond taking credit for that and how storms will never affect an independent Scotland.

Al-Qaeda on the other hand probably did try to take credit for it. But Operation Allah’s Windy Wrath was not as successful as they hoped.

It eventually subsided after a few hours, much to the annoyance of the train companies who had to come up with new excuses for why they were running later.


As well as avoiding the weather, other good news for Scotland this week included being voted 3rd on the Lonely Planet’s top countries to visit next year.

Unfortunately for us, the list is sponsored by the United States Department of Finding Defenceless Countries With Large Oil Supplies. Previous winners Iraq and Afghanistan still use it on their tourism brochures though, so swings and roundabouts.


The music scene on Mercury must be absolutely dreadful as for the 22nd year in a row the prize winner has come from Earth. 

James Blake won it this year, with sales of his album increasing by 2,500% up to 2,500.
You’ll be sure to hear a lot from this year’s winner - if you happen to follow him on Twitter or know him in real life.


The Organization for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons (OPCW), who won the Nobel Peace Prize last month, have announced that Syria no longer has chemical weapons and has destroyed all their facilities for making them.

In unrelated news, President Assad is delighted to announce the purchase of Grangemouth petrochemical processing plant.


SPORT

The Daily Express has announced a petition to remove all Romanian immigrants from the UK. The campaign has the backing of Manchester City goalkeeper Joe Hart, who is desperate to get rid of Costel Pantilimon.

Poor Joe Hart was having such a rough week that for a while even Pat Fenlon was trending above him.

After “leaving” the Hibs job, Pat Fenlon couldn’t believe his luck when he went for an interview with the Irish FA and was offered the international manager’s position. Although he doesn’t understand why they keep calling him Martin.

No, it seems to be the actual Martin O’Neill who will be taking over the Ireland hotseat. They’ll be the second most Irish team he’s ever managed, and, with Aiden McGeady and James McCarthy in the team, he’ll be playing more Scotsmen than he ever did at Celtic.


Very sad news about Fernando Ricksen having Motor Neurone Disease. After Sandy Jardine getting cancer, every Rangers player that’s worn the number 2 shirt will be absolutely shitting themselves. 

A small positive is that it means the Rangers fans only need to applaud in the second minute again - I know from experience we have a very short attention span so if it had been a number 35 or something we’d never remember to do it.


Celtic are trying to play a Champion League qualifier in England next year as Parkhead will be in use for the Commonwealth games. Surely they’d feel much more at home over at Easter Road - another stadium with green seats, a shite atmosphere, and that’s barely ever full.


David Beckham will soon have his own football team in Miami. Since he already has a home in America from his time with LA Galaxy, he felt it would be good to own a club nearby. Although he was said to be absolutely furious when the MLS top brass assured him that it was not a “Mickey Mouse league”, as he’s all wanted to meet his hero.
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Sunday, 27 October 2013

That Was The Week That Was - 27/10/13

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NEWS
The search for Madeleine McCann has managed to get back into the headlines again. It feels like a game of Guess Who where the person you’re playing against (the Portuguese police) only have two characters left (Gerry and Kate) and yet still keep asking you stuff like “Are you sure it isn’t a gypsy wearing a gold chain?”

Big Gerry actually reminds me of Raoul Moat - they’ve both taken a Maddie.

She’s been in Portugal for so long she’s now eligible for the national football team, certainly more so than that Januzaj boy is for England.

Everytime the case comes back to the public attention you hear people saying that it’s only because she’s a cute, blonde-haired, middle class white girl, and that she wouldn’t get this much publicity if she was black. True, but she also wouldn’t have been taken.

There are many rumours about her disappearance but I feel the most reasonable one is Madeleine was killed for breaking the rule “I before E, except after C”.

Has anyone else noticed the strong resemblance between Maddie when she was taken and Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone? And after six years buried in the Portuguese sand she probably looks like Macaulay Culkin does now.

I’m sure some people will find me joking about this subject to be offensive. But there’s no point crying over spilt, killed and buried milk. On the plus side Crimewatch received 2,400 calls after their appeal for information - and only half of them were me phoning in to make jokes.


The biggest news of the week in Scotland has been Grangemouth petrochemical plant closing. The plant has been losing money because whenever Scots want chemicals they just go to their local drug dealer.

The guys that work there played the situation smartly. Close down on a Wednesday and then agree to open back up on Friday afternoon - couple of hours work, then bang, it’s the weekend.

Barr’s were close to stopping production as well, because Grangemouth is where they get the chemicals for making Irn Bru.
Eventually they struck a deal to reopen, but it’s went from a chemical plant to an alchemical plant. They’ll now be using it to try and turn water into whisky.



BBM has returned!
It would be great if Blackberry could give you back your old BBM, as most of the wee lassies on it might now be legal.

I’m not sure making the jewel in your crown freely available on your biggest competitors device is a smart move from Blackberry. They changed their name from RIM to Blackberry, solving the problem on Twitter when they were hiring with the hashtag #RIMjobs, but they don’t need to worry about that anymore as they are going down the pan so quickly they’ll never be hiring again.

I won’t be downloading it. Phone, SMS, email, WhatsApp, Twitter and Facebook already give me six ways too many to keep in contact with you cunts.



I know most people in the UK won’t care but I’m delighted the US government shutdown has ended. It means the NSA are back at work and that at least someone is viewing my tweets/blog.
I’m also convinced that autocorrect is just bored NSA agents watching your texts and guessing what you’re going to type.



TV
The new series of The Walking Dead is back! If you like watching brainless zombies aimlessly shuffling about and muttering incoherently, Keeping Up With The Kardashians is also broadcast in America on Sundays.



Educating Yorkshire had a massive response after its final episode this week. Unfortunately I watched it on a dodgy internet connection and so didn’t even realise Musharaf had a stammer until I read about it the next day.



If you like watching a lanky loser unsuccessfully hitting on the ladies then I recommend downloading Stephen Merchant’s new show Hello Ladies. Or coming on a night out with me.



SPORT
A Newcastle fan was sentenced to a year in jail for punching a horse. Remind me again what the supermarkets got for making us eat the things?



Jermain Defoe scored a cracking goal midweek for Spurs. He’s my favourite professional footballer because he’s got it all - scoring goals in European competition for a big team, and he gets weekends off.



I noticed a couple of weeks ago at Ibrox that two Royal Marines abseiled down from the roof with the match ball. I knew finances were tight at Rangers but I didn’t think we were so skint we had to send cunts up on the roof to get balls back.



It was unfortunate that the Highland derby between Ross County and Caley Thistle was abandoned, but they just couldn’t relight the candles quicker than the rain was putting them out. Electricity up there will be a godsend.


Cheers.
PS Only 154 days until the clocks in my house are right again.

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Thursday, 25 July 2013

That Was The Week That Was - 25/07/13

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In the most exciting episode of Heir Hunters ever televised (not a hard task), hundreds of journalists managed to track down William and Kate’s new baby after 12 hours of standing in a street slabbering shite.
I actually knew before any of them that the baby was out - Kate had changed her Facebook profile from “FULL TIME FUCKING LEGEND” to “FULL TIME MUMMY TO MY LITTLE PRINCE”.
Kate has adapted well to royal life, as signified by her yelling for a peasant to come fix it when she noticed her water had broke.
It was weird watching the people who normally complain about their taxes being used to pay for the children of Jeremy Kyle Show guests suddenly delighted that the same taxes would now be paid to keep a child in luxury rather than just above the breadline.
The child still hasn’t been seen yet as William is frantically searching for a razor to make sure no one sees his baby already has more hair than him.
The bookies were confident it was going to be a girl, however the sex was confirmed by checking the Royal Dick; finally Prince Andrew has come in useful for something. It’s a shame it wasn’t a girl, as it means after Elizabeth dies we won’t have a Queen on the throne for a century unless this child is gay.
On a personal note I’m disappointed it wasn’t a girl because I wanted to shag my way to King, however I guess it is still a possibility after the legalisation of gay marriage. (I’m still against gay marriage though: In Scotland, marriage is a sacred bond between one woman and one estranged husband who isn't allowed to see his kids, and it should stay that way).
This baby will eventually be the leader of all Protestants - although the way atheism is going that’ll be about eight humans plus the residents of Larkhall. At least Catholics get to choose their leader, but their track record suggests maybe that’s not a good thing.
While most are complaining about the royal family taking up all the media, it’s just nice to see a story involving the head of a religion and a child that doesn’t involve a horrific sex crime.
I’m not bothered by the whole thing. I’m used to dodging child support and calling it tax won’t change that. I am having a wee flutter on the name though; I’m playing it safe and going for the most common name in the world - God Bless Prince Mohammed.
The best chance we have of something positive coming out of this birth is if Kate goes off sex for a while so William puts pressure on Cameron not to block the porn. If the Tories have their way they only way we’ll be able to see uncensored cunts is on BBC Parliament.



Least shocking news story of the week was that Liam Gallagher cheated on his wife. This guy is the embodiment of Rock’n’Roll, frankly it’s a shambles if he only has one legitimate son. I mean he can’t sing, he can’t dance, but who cares, he’s probably shagged Rihanna.
If he wants to make it up to Nicole he should write her a beautiful, tender, love song apologising for his mistakes. If only he still had Noel to do that for him.



Avicii, real name Tim Bergman, has had yet another hit with the fastest selling single of the year Wake Me Up. It’s a magnificent success for the Swede who now overtakes Rod Stewart as the music industry’s most popular Tim.



If the royal family news coverage is boring and you want a break from hearing about the lives of a bunch of boring bastards who you don’t give a shit about, I don’t recommend Big Brother.


Comedian Frankie Boyle is on hunger strike in solidarity with Guantanamo Bay prisoner Shaker Aamer. Someone should probably tell him that Aamer’s not on hunger strike, it’s just Ramadan... (Boyle blocked me on Twitter for that joke - way to live up to the dour Scotsman stereotype, mate).
No matter how long he is on strike for though he’ll still be thousands of days short of Sarah Millican’s humour strike.


Wayne Rooney was big news this week as he announced he was “angry and confused” about statements made by Davie Moyles. Much of Britain was shocked - we thought the only emotions he felt were hungry, horny, and bald.
I can’t help but notice that his form has collapsed ever since he gave up the grans. I really wish that, like him, hookers were the source of all my powers, rather than the source of all my problems.
He was probably just surprised to hear that Chelsea was after him - he thought he’d settled his bills with all his prostitutes.


Britain was hit with a surprise heatwave this week. Who knew summer was actually a real thing?
It was ideal weather for T in the Park, where organisers said after it they found hundreds of iPhones, iPads, and even a wedding dress. Plenty of girls are still hunting for the virginity and dignity they lost though.
The weather has convinced me that deoderant is actually just a marketing ploy and the “Lynx Effect” is really just the fact it’s normally too cold for us to sweat.


Quote of the Week: Andrea Pirlo “It's an insult to Pluto that they are no longer a planet. It's an insult to its history and everything it's done for the Universe.”
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Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Muslim Brotherhood overthrown for refusal to lie

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The Egyptian army have removed the Muslim Brotherhood from power after consistently attempting to carry out their manifesto.


Legitimate democratic elections in the country, for the first time ever, were expected to lead to a government that the people could be proud of following decades of tyrannical rule under Hosni Mubarak, but the Brotherhood’s unexpected conduct has left a bad taste in the mouth of the ordinary Egyptian.


Mohammed Aziz, a butcher from Maadi, was outraged by their behaviour: “We didn’t expect this at all - politicians are supposed to make empty promises and lie. How could we possibly have foreseen they would actually live up to their name?”


The Muslim Brotherhood have, as they laid out in their manifesto and all public speeches, carried out an intense process of Islamification since coming to power during the Arab Spring, but this method of governance has been incredibly controversial.


Interim president Adly Mansour was critical of the regime saying: “The Egyptian people have been raised on decades of watching democratically elected politicians in the westen world lie, scam, and cheat their way through parliament. This is our time now and we deserve the same as them.”


“When we went to the polls and saw the name ‘Muslim Brotherhood’, with their promises to reinforce Islamic traditions and ceremony, we thought we’d be getting a liberal, atheist government who would not care one iota for religion. That’s what would have happened in the UK; I mean look at the Liberal Democrats - there can’t be a much less liberal and much less democratically elected party in power in the whole of Europe!”


Thousands of protestors gathered in Tahrir Square, furious that they were allowed to do so. “Where is the rash policing, tear gas, and kettling,” complained one exasperated market trader, “do they even understand politics?”



It is not yet known how the army and President Mansour plan to fix the problems currently rife in Egyptian politics. Privately they are admitting it could take several more elections, uprisings, and coups before the army get their man into power legitimately.

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