The latest outbreak of rapes caused by the footballer is believed to have started in south Wales but concerns are growing in Sheffield that the danger is on the way.
Some countries have already closed their borders to Evans to prevent any more cases, with the United States of America confirming he would be unable to get a visa as “we don’t take that type of football seriously over here, but we do take sexual violence seriously and we don’t want a soccer player taking away the limelight from our homegrown NFL talent like Ray Rice”.
Michel Remy from Medecins Sans Frontieres (Doctors Without Borders) was unequivocal in his condemnation of the outbreak: “There is no cure for rape. After it strikes once, it will strike again if not contained. Add that to the “LAD” culture around football and I wouldn’t put it past the entire of Sheffield to be waking up with a sore arse by next week.
“Ched Evans is already contaminated with rape so putting him in a dressing room full of testosterone-filled athletes with enough money to order a bottle of vodka with sparklers in a club followed by a room at a Travelodge is just asking for trouble.”
A record-breaking run of hometown show “The Full Monty” has been put on hold by organisers in Sheffield after concerns were raised that nudity in the city could trigger another epidemic.
While a website has been created downplaying the risks of being raped by Ched Evans, it is so full of half-truths, errors, and outright lies it is believed to be run by a member of UKIP.
How not to catch Rape:
- Avoid direct contact with footballers as the virus is spread through contaminated Louis Vuitton wallets
- Wear goggles to protect eyes from Sheffield United’s quality of football
- Clothing and clinical waste should be incinerated if it has come within 500m of a Nando’s, fashionable nightclub, or inexpensive city centre hotel