Friday, 13 March 2015

Think of the kids - ban performance enhancing drugs

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A new report into drugs in cycling says that as many as 90% of cyclists were involved in doping.
This has to stop. Taking performance enhancing drugs dilutes the true competition of an event and it has become a serious issue in my own sport.
I was a legend among my peers. I would be stopped in the street and asked for selfies, I couldn’t buy my own pint in a pub, I’d get dragged from group-to-group and asked to tell them the story of my latest conquest. They couldn't believe they things I’d achieved and dreamed of one day being able to do them themselves.


Even children used to speak of my feats with admiration and awe in their voice. I saw them on the playground pretending to be me, copying my moves as they played with their friends.
I felt pride in what I did every weekend - I didn’t do it just for myself, I did it for everyone. Yes I got the fame and glory but the entire community got to revel in my achievements and they all enjoyed it.


Now my victories are tainted. I’ve pulled off some incredible results and had people sneer at me and call me a junkie. Some of my greatest results are questioned and mocked now the trust has gone. The community I once loved, and that once loved me, now looks down on me like a leper.


Children nowadays look up to athletes perceived as clean like Cristiano Ronaldo or Lionel Messi - jokers who couldn’t hold a candle to what I do.


Lance Armstrong and his ilk have ruined my life and this is why I demand a complete end to all doping in sport.
Our sport is clean and professional - I had never even heard of some of the drugs that we get accused of taking and I don’t know a single one of my fellow top athletes who would disrespect the game by taking them.


However, I accept that some wannabe superstars take them in a bid to get up to our level, and that is why today I am calling for a complete ban on cocaine, ecstasy and viagra as the only way to return the glory and competition to the sport of shagging about.


I don’t want my kids growing up in a world where they don’t think they can go out and pump a wee Kendall Jenner lookalike because they’ve not taken any dodgy substances. I want my children to believe in themselves and to know they can get it done through nothing but hard work, alcohol, and low self-esteem.


So this weekend make sure you get that bird back to yours legitimately and without a shred of doubt. You don’t want to take home a 9.5 on Saturday only for it to be claimed on Monday you were only still up from the Friday thanks to cocaine and you only got it up because of the little blue pill.


Don’t let your conquest be questioned. Stay clean and think of the kids (but not while you’re doing it).

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Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Beginners' Guide to Cheltenham

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The Cheltenham Festival is upon us. Off to a flying start yesterday with Ruby Walsh almost costing the bookies £100m before his embarrassingly shameful (not that I'm bitter about it) late fall on Annie Power.

It's all anyone is talking about and is dominating the trends on Twitter. So if you've been swept up in the excitement and fancy having a punt yourself, here's some simple rules to follow:

Only bet what you can afford

Unless you've got a really good feeling about a horse, in which case, lump everything on it, the car, the house, the bird’s birthday present - and if you lose it doesn't matter because she’ll still love you anyway #ayeright

Don’t drink and bet 

We've all been there: You have a few pints, you spot a horse with a funny name like "King of the Paedos" and you want on it. Suddenly that cheeky fiver you were going to put on becomes £55 when your finger slips but you think “Fuck it, it’s a sign”. Stop. It’s never a sign. 
If anything it’s a sign you've drank too much and should go home, but let's face it, that’s a sign we all ignore.

Don't act like an expert 

You can't read the form, you don't know how the ground will affect the horses, and you don't know if the jockey likes the course, but that's ok. Just don't watch The Morning Line once and start thinking you're an expert because you can regurgitate what one of their panellists said. You don’t have a fucking clue what you’re talking about and everyone will think you're a bellend. 
Plus they let Michael 'monotone' Owen on that show for Christ sake.

#BookieBashing

If you put up anything less than a £50 win with the hashtag #bookiebashing you have forfeited your right to both testicles. 

Oooh I like that horse's colours

There’s no shame in picking a horse because of it’s colours but don't tell everyone in the pub that's why you did it. Better to stay quiet and mysterious when it romps home - especially if it's in pink.
But I don’t recommend the colours strategy if you’re a Rangers fan. Tony McCoy is usually in green and gold, colours you'd tend to stay away from, and you’re going to want to back the greatest jockey of all time.

In case of defeat

Let's face it - most of the horses you pick are going to lose. Yelling glue and lasagne based insults at the telly as it trudges home in last place without a rider is a sure-fire way to fit in down the pub.

Pub tipster

Don’t listen to the old man in the corner trying to persuade you about a “sure thing”. A three-legged Robin Reliant at 70/1 is not going to be your route to financial success.

Follow these rules and there's every chance you'll come out of the Cheltenham Festival only a few hundred pounds lighter but at least with your dignity intact.
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Monday, 9 March 2015

Middle East Bingo - ISIS close in on the West.

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ISIS have been in the news again after they took, and promptly destroyed, the Iraqi city of Nimrud. I’ll be honest, it didn't seem like big news to me. Especially when I found it that Nimrud was a city of ancient ruins - I mean how can you ruin ruins? If anything they've made them 50% more “ruiny” and added to their charm.
But as you can see above the destruction of Nimrud has taken ISIS one step closer to winning Middle East bingo.

You probably haven't heard of Middle East bingo and don't believe that it's real, but some people say it's the only reason George Bush stayed President for eight years. Despite having the brain and attention span of a small child, this game kept him hooked on being President and is the only logical explanation for his constant wars in the region.


But as you can see, ISIS are doing not bad. As Noel Edmonds inexplicably says on Deal or No Deal, “they’re playing a smart game.” Taking out the small cities first and working their way up to the three big capitals they need. Nimrud was a great capture because it’s one of the cities we need as well so I’d say that tactically ISIS are in a good position.


They’re still a square behind the West but remember we have a 30-year head start when it comes to bombing brown people. Frankly it’s embarrassing we haven’t already won.
As it stands then ISIS have 6/9 and the West has 7/9, so expect Barack Obama to announce an invasion of Iran, via Nimrud to "clean up the mess made by ISIS", when really it's to win this game. Of course top marks for ISIS isn't 9/9, it’s 9/11.


Turkey weren't included on the bingo although it’s a country that ISIS are known to be trying to invade. If they don’t turn Marmaris into MarmarISIS - THE holiday destination for 18-30 jihadis - then I don’t want anything more to do with them, cause that’s a golden opportunity.
Mind you to do that they’d need to take on their toughest enemy yet - drunk Brits on package holiday.


They're also training fighter pilots. Which means we're only 5-6 years away from an Islamic remake of Top Gun where Goose gets beheaded for being an unclean animal.
Mind you, they won’t be scared of our pilots after watching the rebels greatest wingman Han Solo hit a fucking golf course. It was poor Chewbacca I felt sorry - he had to flee before he was mistaken for Bigfoot.


We should just paint half our fighter planes black and blue and the other half white and gold. ISIS will still be arguing over what colour they are as the bombs are being dropped on them.


On the positive side I heard that for International Women’s Day yesterday ISIS decided they would only kill international women that day, no domestic women or children. Bloody nice of them to be fair.


What about those lassies from London who fled to join the Islamic State in Syria - a fucking warzone!
Violence, poverty, and crime are just some of the reasons they left London.


I think we can all agree it’s time we bombed ISIS until there’s nothing left of the bastards but sand.
That would be their...
[puts on sunglasses]
Just deserts.


Glossary of terms
IS - Islamic State
ISIS - Islamic State in Syria
ISIL - Islamic State in Libya
ISA - Gossipy cow from Still Game

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